The Spring Equinox

Yesterday marked the very first day of Spring.  I can't say I was too impressed, as a dusting of snow moved in and I spent most of the day stuck in bed with a migraine.  Today, the temperature is hovering around 40 degrees and the cats have the right of it, sleeping by the hearth in a pile. 

Despite these obvious signs that winter still has its fingernails dug into the surface of the earth, it WAS light enough when Hubbybunch got home from work last night to go for a quick run.  And the daffodils are starting to lift their sleepy eyelids and show some sunny yellow, too!  The warmth and light IS coming... it's just coming in fits and starts, that's all.

I worked an extra little four-hour shift this morning, and spent all of it in the front of triage.  I haven't written much about it, but every fiber of my being LOATHES being in triage.  It wouldn't be so bad if we weren't so busy, but when there are more than 150 people in your department, and 80 of them are in triage waiting for beds, and at least 30 of them are sick enough to really, really need one, with no end in sight and more people pouring the door, and no cardiac monitors and no staff and the hallway is so jam-packed with people on litters and in wheelchairs and asking when they're getting to a room and... and...!  Every minute I am out there I feel like I am just WAITING to be sued.  There is absolutely no way to keep an eye on all of those people at once, especially not when you have the constant influx of more and more and more of them needing triage. 

It is absolutely chaotic. 

However, I did have a truly pleasureable experience out there today.

I call a patient to my booth to get her basic triage information.  I recognize her immediately as one of our frequent flyer "migraine" patients who just happens to be allergic to tylenol, ibuprofen, aspirin, naproxen, toradol, morphine, oxycodone, hydrocodone, and metoclopramide (aka, everything on the planet except The Big D: Dilaudid). 

Now, it's not my place to say whether or not she has pain.  I reserve judgement as best I can, even when if comes to the every-other-day-regulars who have such a predictable pattern of behavior.

However, anyone who suffers from migraines would agree that it seems HIGHLY unlikely that someone who is stuffing McDonald's down their throat, talking loudly and playing games on their cell phone is truly suffering from "10/10 migraine pain".  It's not impossible, mind you, but unlikely.

So I ask about her symptoms, her medical history, medications, ALLERGIES, etc.  I ask how she got to the ER today.  She says someone dropped her off.

I also ask if the little girl at her side is her child.  She says yes. 

I say to her, with an absolutely straight face and matter-of-fact tone of voice, "just so you know, they will not give you any kind of sedating or narcotic medications for your pain until someone else arrives who can take responsibility for your child". 

She gives me a blank stare for a second or two, then says, "....uh, what?"

I repeat my statement, explaining that there has to be an unimpaired, responsible adult present to care for the child and provide safe transportation home before any of our providers will administer those kinds of medications to the child's parent. 

She becomes visibly angry, and stands up, stomping her foot, and says, "Well then I'm leaving!"

"Ok.  Hope you feel better," is my only response, as I turn back to my computer screen, click the "left without treatment" button and dismiss her name from the patient tracking board. 

SATISFACTION.

Spring Fasting

So today is the third and final day of a raw-fruit-veggies-and-legumes fast of sorts that Hubbybunch and I undertook as part of an experiment.  I decided to try this for several reasons.  First and foremost, my relationship with food has become  very unhealthy.  Largely, meals were no longer joyful celebrations of life, times to connect with loved ones, to enjoy the sensations associated with food.  Meals became either 1) fuel, consumed as quickly as possible in between or during other activities or 2) reactions to emotions.  Eating had become a thoughtless act. I felt like I needed to hit the "reset" button. 

I have also put on some weight recently.  Not a lot, but enough to distort my self image and make me feel very hateful towards my body and self.  This is the first time in my life that I have had any issues with my weight (not counting the silly early teenage years of constant yucky feelings towards my body that I think most young girls suffer through).  It is an unfamiliar and awful experience.

So, for 72 hours, I refrained from eating any grains, fish, dairy (with the exception of a splash of milk in my tea), added sugar, or alcohol.  My meals mainly consisted of the following: strawberries, blueberries, black berries, mangoes, orange juice, pomegranate juice, carrot juice, carrots, peppers, asparagus, salad greens, hummus, and edemamae.  My goal was to eat as much as any of these as I needed to feel full, as often as my body told me it needed food.  That worked out to about 1.5 cups of raw foods every 3-4 hours, when possible. 

I have concluded several things: 

#1 Fasting is not compatible with my current work situation.  In the future, fasting/cleansing MUST be timed to happen during periods that I have off from work.  Yesterday I finished my breakfast fruit smoothie right before I started my shift at 0700, and was unable to escape to eat anything until 1600, with the exception of about 8 grapes shoved hastily into my mouth around 1500.  By that time, I was soaked in a cold sweat, dizzy and feeling like I was going to die.  I immediately felt better, and satisfied, after eating my raw lunch... but that was a dangerously close call with syncope that I don't want to repeat. 

#2 I have an addictive personality, and I am full-on addicted to bread and cheese.  The first 24 hours of my fast were riddled with anxiety regarding those two foods.  They were the biggest temptation... not ice cream, not popcorn, not baked goods.... but bread and cheese.  But this addiction is not born purely from my love of these two foods (though I really truly do love them!).  It also stems from a lifestyle that has made "fast and filling" the top two qualities I instinctively look for in the foods I eat, rather than "nourishing and delicious".  Few foods are faster and more filling that these two.  They are also basic comfort food, and they release those wonderful chemicals in my brain when I'm feeling tired or sorry for myself that make me feel like my grilled cheese sandwich is hugging me.  I also have absolutely no reference range for how much is too much when it comes to bread and cheese.  All of this makes a dangerous combination.

#3 In order to make a healthy change, I need to approach the question of "what should I eat?" with greater self-love and consciousness.  No, scratch that.  I need to approach everything I do with greater self-love and consciousness.  Allowing my inner dialogue to berate and punish me for what I am, how I look, and how I feel is self-defeating.  I need to remember that this body is on loan to me for just one lifetime, and as far as I know, that's all I get.  What I put into it, what I make it do, how I talk to it and treat it and feel towards it makes it was it is... and makes the life that I live while I'm inside of it what it is.  This strange, flawed machine is how I manifest who I am on this planet.  What kind of insane person would fuel it with negativity, with junk, or worse... with whatever was on hand, without any thought as to consequences??

#4 Raw diets that are so low in sodium make you pee... A LOT... and water and electrolyte replacement are essential to avoiding getting too dry. 

#5 I have decided to make this a weekly ritual... one day out of each week, I will follow this limited raw diet... as a reminder to myself that I can, in fact, SURVIVE without binging on carbs and fats.... and that my body deserves to be treated with thought, care, and respect.