So today is the third and final day of a raw-fruit-veggies-and-legumes fast of sorts that Hubbybunch and I undertook as part of an experiment. I decided to try this for several reasons. First and foremost, my relationship with food has become very unhealthy. Largely, meals were no longer joyful celebrations of life, times to connect with loved ones, to enjoy the sensations associated with food. Meals became either 1) fuel, consumed as quickly as possible in between or during other activities or 2) reactions to emotions. Eating had become a thoughtless act. I felt like I needed to hit the "reset" button.
I have also put on some weight recently. Not a lot, but enough to distort my self image and make me feel very hateful towards my body and self. This is the first time in my life that I have had any issues with my weight (not counting the silly early teenage years of constant yucky feelings towards my body that I think most young girls suffer through). It is an unfamiliar and awful experience.
So, for 72 hours, I refrained from eating any grains, fish, dairy (with the exception of a splash of milk in my tea), added sugar, or alcohol. My meals mainly consisted of the following: strawberries, blueberries, black berries, mangoes, orange juice, pomegranate juice, carrot juice, carrots, peppers, asparagus, salad greens, hummus, and edemamae. My goal was to eat as much as any of these as I needed to feel full, as often as my body told me it needed food. That worked out to about 1.5 cups of raw foods every 3-4 hours, when possible.
I have concluded several things:
#1 Fasting is not compatible with my current work situation. In the future, fasting/cleansing MUST be timed to happen during periods that I have off from work. Yesterday I finished my breakfast fruit smoothie right before I started my shift at 0700, and was unable to escape to eat anything until 1600, with the exception of about 8 grapes shoved hastily into my mouth around 1500. By that time, I was soaked in a cold sweat, dizzy and feeling like I was going to die. I immediately felt better, and satisfied, after eating my raw lunch... but that was a dangerously close call with syncope that I don't want to repeat.
#2 I have an addictive personality, and I am full-on addicted to bread and cheese. The first 24 hours of my fast were riddled with anxiety regarding those two foods. They were the biggest temptation... not ice cream, not popcorn, not baked goods.... but bread and cheese. But this addiction is not born purely from my love of these two foods (though I really truly do love them!). It also stems from a lifestyle that has made "fast and filling" the top two qualities I instinctively look for in the foods I eat, rather than "nourishing and delicious". Few foods are faster and more filling that these two. They are also basic comfort food, and they release those wonderful chemicals in my brain when I'm feeling tired or sorry for myself that make me feel like my grilled cheese sandwich is hugging me. I also have absolutely no reference range for how much is too much when it comes to bread and cheese. All of this makes a dangerous combination.
#3 In order to make a healthy change, I need to approach the question of "what should I eat?" with greater self-love and consciousness. No, scratch that. I need to approach everything I do with greater self-love and consciousness. Allowing my inner dialogue to berate and punish me for what I am, how I look, and how I feel is self-defeating. I need to remember that this body is on loan to me for just one lifetime, and as far as I know, that's all I get. What I put into it, what I make it do, how I talk to it and treat it and feel towards it makes it was it is... and makes the life that I live while I'm inside of it what it is. This strange, flawed machine is how I manifest who I am on this planet. What kind of insane person would fuel it with negativity, with junk, or worse... with whatever was on hand, without any thought as to consequences??
#4 Raw diets that are so low in sodium make you pee... A LOT... and water and electrolyte replacement are essential to avoiding getting too dry.
#5 I have decided to make this a weekly ritual... one day out of each week, I will follow this limited raw diet... as a reminder to myself that I can, in fact, SURVIVE without binging on carbs and fats.... and that my body deserves to be treated with thought, care, and respect.
2 comments:
(Oops... I deleted the last comment. I hate making typos :D)
I did the whole30 diet - no alcohol, sugar, grains, meat, dairy... maybe I'm forgetting more. it was a little different for vegetarians, though, so I could have edamame and greek yogurt - for 30 days. Mind you, about halfway through it I started drifting off the strict course, but it was still an incredibly difficult time. Before that, I'd been ordering out a lot, and generally wasn't spending enough time thinking about what was making up my body. Drawing awareness to my eating helped me change my habits, but it also helped me see that I'm allowed to diverge. All things in moderation. It's still hard to cook for myself, but having spent the last month with my grandmother and seeing how she does it, I'm excited to start anew (e.g., bake my own bread and store it in the freezer, chop vegetables ahead of time so dinner is a breeze, things like that). I walk a fine line with my self-image; if I don't eat enough I worry about my subconscious, and if I eat too much then I am definitely conscious of my body. Just like we had issues as young teens, I imagine our relationships with our bodies will change throughout our life. I think my grandmother is incredibly strong for 85, but she puts herself down a lot. The perspective, I guess, is from where you're standing. Thanks for sharing something personal like this... You know I admire you very much, and it's comforting to me that I'm not alone in thinking about these things. -Leigh
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