In which I compare my energy level fluctuation to lactation.

I am a Taurus.  By my very nature, I love creature comforts.  I believe that if something must be made, there is no reason for it not to be made beautiful.  I believe in Good Food.  Wine.  Massages.  Chocolate.  LOTS of sleep in a warm bed. 

And also, by my very nature, I have a tendency to lean towards laziness.  Each night, as I put on my scrubs, I really don't want to go to work.  I don't want to get out of bed on time.  Half the time, I don't even want to go out to that super fun party in the city because I would rather be at home, cuddled up, reading a book. 

Now, this is bizarre.  Because I have another side to my personality that is incredibly goal-driven, hard-working, and in love with the feeling of my muscles burning and sweat pooling  in the hollows of my collarbone.  This part of me makes lists, and delights in crossing tasks off of those lists.  This is the me that elects to spend a week camping in the desert, or haul two-ton stones on "vacation", who aspires to complete her master's degree, who chooses to bake her own bread rather than buy, who looks at a 210 year old log cabin and says, "we can totally fix that place up".

These two parts of myself are often at war.

Guess which one is winning during these dark, cold winter months?

I need to get myself out of this lazy rut.  And soon.  I need to get back out to the woods and run, despite the cold, snow and ice.  I need to find new challenges at work that will stimulate me and make me eager to come in for my next shift.  I need to take that fiddle out of the case and learn how to tune it, at least.  But all I've been able to make myself do, outside of the bare essentials of working, cooking, cleaning, and working towards the purchase of our home, is hoop for a meager 15 minutes each day.  That's better than nothing, but it's sure as hell not enough.

It seems like my energy stores run on an on-demand system, like lactation!  The less demanding and busy my life becomes, the less energy I have to spend.  The more I have going on, i.e. canning, running, working, going to school, travelling, etc, the more energy I seem to have to get done what needs to be done.  I suppose it partly has to do with being stimulated, excited, and interested in the things that I'm doing.  Tonight, for instance, I am working a 12-hour shift, and I literally have NOTHING to do right now.  I have only five patients, and they are all stable and sleeping peacefully right now.  Paperwork is done, meds are given, folks are happy.  And while I sit here, nearly falling asleep, I dread when I have to get up off of my fattening bum to go check on folks again in a few minutes.  The less I do, the less I feel like doing!

I know it's a matter of breaking the cycle and getting the energy flowing.  If only I could make myself take those first few steps...